Farts = Funny

Since college when one of my friends introduced me to this phrase, it's sort of been my credo. I really subscribe to this philosophy - but I'm only talking about the SOUND of farts. There is absolutely nothing funny about the smell.

I can think back to certain situations in my life where someone has farted at an inappropriate time and I will still crack up as if it just happened. In fact, I'm cracking up right now.

Someone farted in my pilates class last night. And seriously, I tried. I tried to hold it in, to be mature. But I couldn't. I laughed and laughed.

It Never Fails

Puppets will always make me laugh. I don't know what it is about them, but I am fascinated by them, and find them hilarious. I am especially obsessed with the Muppets.

Last night I was watching that new show, 'Thank G-d You're Here,' and it was okay. I think the participants were too nervous for their own good. I mean, it just goes to show how much some actors and comedians REALLY need a script, or at least some practice. But the skit with Mo'Nique was pretty good.

The premise of the show is to put comedians in completely improvised situations. They put Mo'Nique in a situation where she was the cohost of a game show. The game show was pretty random, I guess to throw Mo'Nique off. At one point they put up a bunch of random photos for the contestants to identify of people that were supposed to be celebrities, at least in Pretendland.

Well, one of the photos was of this busted-looking sock puppet and I seriously lost it. In fact, every time I think about it, I lose it all over again. Christ, I love puppets.

On a related note, whatever happened to Sifl and Ollie?

Straight Hair = Hot

Every 8 weeks or so, I get my hair cut. And my beloved Angel, who has been cutting my hair since high school, straightens it every time I go in for a cut. I come out of the salon with my hair bouncing, which doesn't happen when it's doing its normal wavy/curly thing. I feel chic, I feel sophisticated, I feel different.

I like the straight hair - and it's fun to feel so different - but honestly, I LOVE my wavy/curly hair.

And maybe it's because I look so different with straight hair, but damn it, when people see me after I get my hair cut, they always remark on how good I look. So does that mean that I don't normally look good? Do they like me better with my hair straight? Do I normally look a hot mess?

It's like when people compliment you for losing weight...you have to wonder if you were that fat to begin with...

Editor's Note: I just went to the printer we all share at work and one of my coworkers asked me if I was the new Sanjaya. You know, since my hair is different today....

Pot Calling the Kettle Black

When it's nice out, I like to walk to the mall for lunch since it's right across the street. This mall used to be something special. Saks Fifth Avenue, gourmet coffee shop, fun makeup store - it was a 14-year-old's Saturday afternoon dream. Unfortunately it's not such a hot destination anymore, and the Saks, coffee and makeup have been replaced by Spencers, McDonald's and Leather Man. It's fine if you need to pick up a birthday card or a pair of socks, but shoppers have mostly migrated to better places.

That being said, the mall is a great reprieve from the craziness of the office. It's kind of comforting to walk into the mall after being in my cube all morning. I'm not looking to get my next great outfit there, although I have to admit I spent a bit more time than I'd like to admit looking at all the poly-cotton blend garments at Forever 21.

But what I find hilarious - and maybe I'm being a judgy snot for saying this - are the women who clearly spent way too much time feathering their hair thinking they're hot shit at the mall. Two such gems were walking behind me out of Macy's today and were trash-talking someone they knew who had a Coach bag. One said that she didn't understand how someone could act so white trash yet have all that money. The other said something along the lines of, "I mean, step out of the trailor." None of it really made sense to me, especially when I turned around and saw who was saying it. Frosty-haired, sickly skinny WT who wouldn't know their Balenciaga from their Bally's Total Fitness membership. Ladies, please. Before you open your mouth to spout out nonsensical bullshit that you only think you understand, get your facts straight. White trash or no, a Coach bag is a step up from the Style & Co. I saw you carrying.