Too Much Goodbye

I'm not big on goodbyes. I like my friend Shana's rule. If you're at a big party or a wedding or something and you have to leave before the end, don't say goodbye, just leave. As in, don't disrupt everyone and make them stop doing what they're doing, just make a quick exit. I don't know - I like it.

So now that my time here at my job is winding down, I feel sad to be saying goodbye to everyone. I know, I complained about having no friends here, but when you work with people for so long, you become used to them. Oh, what am I saying, there are people here I'm going to miss. But saying goodbye - ugh. I hate it.

And where do you draw the line? For instance, I see the same guys who work in the cafeteria every day. Do I tell them I'm leaving? I mean, it makes me sad to think about. It's just another person I have to say goodbye to and as I said before, I'm just not big on goodbyes.

I'm just rambling. This is not a fun post. Sorry.

Battle Royal

We live in the woods. And it is just a fact that if you live in the woods, you will have bugs and critters around that you probably never knew existed if you lived in, say, a 3rd floor walkup. Then you'd have roaches.

So I'm used to finding spiders on the windows and seeing tons of deer and fox in my backyard. I wasn't even too surprised when my husband yelled in from the garage one day that I had to be quiet so that he could corner the mole he found in there. You have not lived until you've seen a mole in your house. They've got those creepy-looking white glove hands. I felt like maybe I should dress it up in a little top hat and tux and do a rendition of "Hello My Baby" with it.

But I will never get used to what I found in my bathtub this morning as I turned on the water to take a shower. See, I didn't have my glasses on, so it was a little blurry at first. I thought maybe a little hairball had formed, as hairballs often do in my shower. But no. I only wish it was a hairball.

Instead, it was a disgusting, giant, hairy monster thousand-leg bugs. Those assholes need their own island where they can scare the living shit out of one another and leave the rest of us alone. Holy crap!! I turned the water all the way to hot and started splashing that sucker so that he would move toward the drain. No such luck - at least not at first.

I contemplated skipping my shower today. But then I remembered that I didn't shower yesterday (NO, I'm not that much of a dirtball - I showered the night before last).

It took a good five minutes of me splashing and him scurrying toward the edge of the tub to finally drown him. And then I still wasn't sure he was dead. I think he was swimming actually. Somehow, though, he finally made his way to the drain, but my drain has tiny holes to let the water down. This fat-ass motherfucking shithead wasn't going to fit. Ugh. I watched his body swirl around and around in the water, hoping that the force of it would break him into tiny pieces so that he'd just slide down the drain, one leg at a time. That didn't happen. But shit, I really needed to get a move on! After all, today was also a shaving day.

But finally, when I was sure he was good and dead, I gathered about ten paper towels and my courage, picked him up and threw him away.

No wonder I'm exhausted and it's only 10 a.m. I hate being traumatized first thing in the morning.

Aaaaahhhh...

No, that wasn't me farting.

Well, maybe...

This is how my weekend went:

Eat, pool, eat, pool, eat, eat, eat

I went to the pool twice in one weekend, which might be some kind of record for me. I have to thank my friend Mike at work (not that he reads this - and yes, I made a friend at work during MY LAST TWO WEEKS HERE) for giving me the pool pass that his sister wasn't using. It's a long story.

Okay, here it is. I was woe-is-me-ing about the fact that I have no pool to go to during the summers. Mike responded that his mother has tons of pool passes and he'd ask if I could have one. Her pool is pretty close to my house. Mike disappears from my cube, only to return 10 minutes later with great news. Apparently his mother and sister aren't speaking, so his mom gave me her daughter's pass. Woot! I mean, sorry for your troubles...

I also have to give a shout-out to Mandi, who introduced me to the scene that is the Merritt Athletic Club Federal Hill. Also, thank you Mandi for recommending the cherries at Wegman's. They are indeed fabulous.

I know this is a random blog, but I really have to discuss how much I love Seth Rogan. You know, the male lead in the new comedic hit 'Knocked Up.' I have loved Seth Rogan since 'Freaks and Geeks' all those years ago. While everyone else was sweating the tall doofy guy (Jason Segal) that Linda Cardellini's character had a thing with, I was sweating Seth Rogan. I don't know - there's just something about him.

It's sort of like my obsession with Topher Grace. While everyone was falling all over themselves over Ashton Kutcher when 'That 70s Show' came out, I had a huge crush on skinny, gangly Topher Grace. And now look at him. Still skinny, but super hot. Tell me you don't agree, and I'll kick your ass.

The previous two paragraphs just prove that I have no 'type,' at least physically. And that I am ahead of my time.

I've got a whole blog planned about how relaxed I am feeling lately. Unfortunately, I have to book it to a meeting. Wait, why do I even care anymore? I'm such a dork.

Wooooooooo

I know I have been MIA all week as far as posting goes. I have been a super nervous wreck. But now I'm much better. Why? Because.....



I got a new job!!! Woooooo! More details to follow. My last day at work is July 5th and I start my new job July 12th.

I could not be more excited.

That is all.

No, Really, I'm 31

How embarrassing is this scenario:

I was just on the phone with my dad. I'm sitting in my cube, which is not made for private conversations. Not that I was having a real private conversation, you understand, but I'm just pointing out that anyone can listen in to what I'm saying.

So I said to my dad, "When I talked to Mommy..."

I don't need to finish the sentence.

The point is that I referred to my mother as "Mommy" loud enough for my coworkers to hear. And I am so sure they did.

Paris Is a Punk

I just bet my coworker that Paris Hilton did in fact graduate from high school.

Stupid bitch. She dropped out and got her GED. Now I owe my coworker a dollar. I told him Paris should have to give it to him.

Dammit!

I Just...Ate A Bug!

The title is a reference to the classic Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell romp 'Overboard.'

But I really did just eat a bug! Well, sort of.

I went home at lunchtime and as I walked out the door to go back to my car and head off to work, my mouth was open. Yes, I frequently hang out with my mouth half-open. It's a family trait.

Anyway, I breathed in and immediately felt something weird go down my throat. I started gagging a little, but nothing came back up. So then I started swallowing a whole bunch to see if it would just go down. Then I got scared. What if whatever I swallowed was poisonous? Was I going to die at work later? Great. My worry didn't matter, though, because the little whatever-it-was stayed firmly in the back of my throat, making it tickle.

So on my way I went, and as I was driving up the road, I started coughing. Then I started making hock-a-loogie sounds. And then I felt a little something come up! I spit it into my hand. Ew! In the middle of my palm lay a little drowned nameless bug, its legs all shriveled up in the liquid. I threw him out the window and drove back to work, a little disconcerted about what I'd just done.

I've heard that over the course of a lifetime, a person will swallow 8 spiders. I guess this counts as one. Hopefully I've already swallowed 7 in my sleep.

Just...Ew

I went to WholeFoods yesterday for a fun shopping experience. Every once in awhile I realize that I care about what I'm putting into my body, and going to WholeFoods makes me think that I'm doing my body good. (Shout out to Slim Goodbody there.) I'm also going to shout out to my friend Shana here, because we had a life-changing experience at Whole Foods one cold February Saturday this year. It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I happened upon a product called rice yogurt in the dairy section. I was immediately intrigued. You see, back in my London days (how snotty do I sound?) we would get this rice pudding/yogurt type thing at our local Safeway. It was seriously fabulous, not too fattening, and tasted like heaven in a small cup. I wish I could remember the name of it.

So I bought a strawberry-flavored rice yogurt for a whopping $1.39. Normally I like to buy whatever's on sale at the Giant, and that typically runs me about .50 a yogurt. I thought the hefty price would be worth it, though, if the product could bring back some good London memories.

Uh, no. I opened that shit up just now for my afternoon snack. First off, it was brown. (Remember, this is supposed to taste like strawberries. Brown might be the right color if the strawberries were, say, from 1950.) Second off, it was a texture that I will try to describe, but can't do justice. It was gelatinous, but still mixable. So when mixed, it looked like what would happen if you could somehow bring yourself to mix up a large quantity of chicken fat with a plastic spoon. It didn't become smooth, as normal yogurt will. Instead, it was like lumpy gravy. Sweet lumpy gravy. And the taste? A little bitter and very grainy in my mouth.

Thanks, rice yogurt. Thanks, Whole Foods. At least I didn't consume those 190 extra calories, so I guess I did do my body good in that respect.

And After All, You're My Wonderwall(flower)

I went home at lunch time. I decided that I hated the pants I had on. I changed pants and came back to work. No one noticed.

If I had friends at work, they would have noticed that I'm wearing a completely different pair of pants than what I had on earlier in the day. Because I have no friends at work, I'll just go about my business in my new threads.

I swear, I don't smell, I'm friendly and I get along well with others. The office dynamic here is quite unlike any other I've experienced. Because of that, I learned to keep to myself. In my cube. With my finger puppets and Raisin Bran.

A Wuss Reformed?

Last night I did something that is so totally out of character for me that I can't even believe I did it. I played ultimate frisbee with my husband at his pick-up game.

You have to understand, I am not a sporty girl. Sure, I go to the gym on a regular basis. But I have never been into playing sports so much, aside from the occasional basketball game in gym class. I realized last night after the game that I had never in my life played a real team sport. Isn't that weird? Never played softball, never really played on a high school team (does one quarter of cheerleading count? how about my weeklong stint in lacrosse?). This was my first experience playing with a team. Just thought that was interesting.

It was fun. Everyone was friendly and didn't seem to mind that I had absolutely no clue what I was doing. At all. Whatsoever.

But today I am in PAIN. The top sides of my calves hurt and it is a bitch to walk.

So Far, The Most Exciting Hour of My Day

I went to the mall at lunch to get away from the office. I actually hadn't been there in quite awhile. I impressed myself immensely when I went into Bath and Body Works during their semi-annual sale and came out with nothing. Yeah, I picked up various bottles in fun flavors like Wild Honeysuckle and Water Lily Blossom. I even walked around with some products in my hand, as if I were going to buy them. In the end I convinced myself that I didn't need any of them. Especially since my linen closet is chock-full of purchases I made at the last Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale in January. Where do the six months go, I ask you??

I was hungry, so I ventured up to the food court. I studied the menus at most of the places (except for the Jananese joint, which I'd already gone to earlier in the week - oh wait, maybe I HAVE been to the mall recently - disregard the second sentence of this post) and ended up at Subway. Subway always has the longest line, which is cool, because it usually moves pretty quickly. Soon enough it was my turn.

"Yes sir?" the woman behind the counter said to me.

"Um...I'll have a six-inch turkey on wheat?"

I got called 'Sir' at Subway today. It must have been my long hair and the skirt I was wearing.

I've Lost Contact

This morning, as I do every morning, I put my contacts in my eyeballs. I always do the left one first. After I finished, I left the bathroom to select my outfit for the day. I noticed that my right eye was blurry. No matter, I thought. This happens a lot. I'll just blink a few times and it'll clear right up. This morning though, no dice. Damn.

Back to the bathroom I went, where I stuck my finger in my eye in an effort to slide the contact out and clean it with some more solution. Hmm. No contact. Oh well, maybe it's stuck up under my eyelid or something, I thought. I poked myself in the eye a few more times with no success. Shit! My eye was really starting to get red!

Only then did I look down and notice that my contact was sitting on the countertop, right next to its case. What the...? This whole time my stupid contact was probably sitting there laughing at me while I jabbed my finger into my eye repeatedly. Don't worry, folks, I washed my hands before I started doing that. I am puzzled as to how I missed the contact falling out of my eye after I put it in, but that's probably just going to remain one of life's great mysteries.

Another mystery for today: I was driving behind a car with a vanity plate that read, "Punjaby". I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Is this person very proud of his/her Indian heritage, or is he/she just a really big fan of the movie 'Annie'?

The world may never know.

Maybe I Should Rename This The Bathroom Blog

I was in New York with my family on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, but probably one of the hottest days I've ever experienced up there. I wanted to take my pants off halfway through the day and just walk around bottomless. I really didn't care anymore. It was that hot.

Oh, we walked all around that city, from mid-town to Chinatown. We literally walked. After a mishap on the subway on the way downtown, my mother refused to get back on to go uptown again. So we walked a good 50 blocks to get back to our bus at the end of the day. But that was okay, because I had to burn off the corn cakes, pizza and rice pudding I ate.

While we were on our way to the subway earlier in the day (in other words, before the meltdown), we stopped at a Starbucks to use the bathroom. As with all of the Starbucks I've visited in New York, this one had only one bathroom for both sexes. Ew. And of course there was someone in there when we made our way to the back of the store.

My sister was slated to go next, and the woman who walked out of the bathroom looked at her and said, "They need to clean up in there." I interpreted that to mean that she had destroyed the bathroom herself, but didn't want my sister to think she was to blame. Dirty bitch.

So my sister goes in and looks back at us with a really scared expression on her face. But eventually she shut the door behind her. She came out in record time. I think she mumbled "Good luck" to my mother as she ran as fast as she possibly could to the front of the store and out the door.

My mother went in next. And came out really really fast. I don't think she's ever peed that fast in her life. She is not always so quick in the bathroom, my mother.

By this point, there was quite a line behind me. I was getting nervous, too. I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door.

OH MY G-D.

I won't go into the particulars, but suffice it to say that bodily fluids and the like were ALL OVER the toilet and its surrounding area. I squatted as far as I possibly could away from the bowl while still aiming pretty well, gagged a bunch of times, and got the fuck out of there. My mom was waiting for me right outside the door and squirted about half the bottle of her hand sanitizer in my hands.

I said to no one in particular that it was probably cleaner to pee on the street outside. One of the women in line heard that and immediately left.

I didn't pee for the rest of the day.