Maybe I Should Rename This The Bathroom Blog

I was in New York with my family on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, but probably one of the hottest days I've ever experienced up there. I wanted to take my pants off halfway through the day and just walk around bottomless. I really didn't care anymore. It was that hot.

Oh, we walked all around that city, from mid-town to Chinatown. We literally walked. After a mishap on the subway on the way downtown, my mother refused to get back on to go uptown again. So we walked a good 50 blocks to get back to our bus at the end of the day. But that was okay, because I had to burn off the corn cakes, pizza and rice pudding I ate.

While we were on our way to the subway earlier in the day (in other words, before the meltdown), we stopped at a Starbucks to use the bathroom. As with all of the Starbucks I've visited in New York, this one had only one bathroom for both sexes. Ew. And of course there was someone in there when we made our way to the back of the store.

My sister was slated to go next, and the woman who walked out of the bathroom looked at her and said, "They need to clean up in there." I interpreted that to mean that she had destroyed the bathroom herself, but didn't want my sister to think she was to blame. Dirty bitch.

So my sister goes in and looks back at us with a really scared expression on her face. But eventually she shut the door behind her. She came out in record time. I think she mumbled "Good luck" to my mother as she ran as fast as she possibly could to the front of the store and out the door.

My mother went in next. And came out really really fast. I don't think she's ever peed that fast in her life. She is not always so quick in the bathroom, my mother.

By this point, there was quite a line behind me. I was getting nervous, too. I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door.

OH MY G-D.

I won't go into the particulars, but suffice it to say that bodily fluids and the like were ALL OVER the toilet and its surrounding area. I squatted as far as I possibly could away from the bowl while still aiming pretty well, gagged a bunch of times, and got the fuck out of there. My mom was waiting for me right outside the door and squirted about half the bottle of her hand sanitizer in my hands.

I said to no one in particular that it was probably cleaner to pee on the street outside. One of the women in line heard that and immediately left.

I didn't pee for the rest of the day.